If schadenfreude was fattening

then this article would be a bacon-stuffed pork chop coated with potato chips and deep fried. We'll see if the whole mess gets covered in gravy tomorrow night.

Scene: Miami, Florida, athletic offices at Florida International University

Thomas: Wow, it's great to be back in the business. Let's get this show on the road!
Random FIU HR rep: Welcome aboard, Mr. Thomas. We've started most of your paperwork already, just a few more minor details to tend to. Here, this is a standard university sexual harassment test just to... (looks around), just kind of a CYA thing new hires have to do. Just get 70% right, and we can get on with things.

(Four hours and ten attempts later)

Head of FIU HR: NO, you STILL can't refer to female employees as "BITCH"
Thomas: Well, of course YOU can't, Poindexter McWhitebread. It's not an insult when I say it
Head of FIU HR: It's still an insult no matter who says it. And you filled in the blank on this question with the word "sunt"...what does that even mean?
(Random HR rep leans over and whispers in his bosses ear, who then turns pale and inconspicuously logs in to Monster.com on mobile phone)
Thomas: So when do I start? Can I meet that Ned fella? A proud Normandy vet like that should have a higher profile around here. And where's Schnellenberger's office?
Random HR rep: (sigh). That was a Farked picture from a regrettable incident. And coach Schnellenberger is at Florida Atlantic.
Thomas: Whoa, if I can't refer to bitches as bitches, why does he get to throw the F word out like that.
(University Attorney and Athletic Director enter the room. Thick file containing papers about prior lawsuits falls out of breifcase onto table)
University Attorney: Oh, crap. (scrambles for papers)...Uh, hey guys. Just got your message. What's up?
Athletic Director: We think any concerns about "character" are purely...(notes contents of files for first time) When exactly did this happen...well, I'm sure that, when explained fully...over time...I just (cough).
Head of FIU HR: I'm outta here. You deal with this blatant publicity stunt on your own.
Thomas: Yeah, there you go, you'll be throwing that word out there like Coach Knight used to in no time.
Athletic Director: Well, Mr. Thomas, apparently there's no way in hell we can actually pay you to coach...this year. So we've come up with another idea. Oh, and there's a Chris Mc..something-or-other from ESPN lined up for an interview already. Make us proud, coach!

Inexcusable

I can't believe we lost to this jackass. At home. Inexcusable. And this was sent to the students before the game:

I know this is HUGE game, especially in light of events of the past month and a half regarding Ole Miss's Coach Kennedy. I know many of you who will be attending the game have elaborate signs planned for Coach Kennedy and possibly even his family. The SEC has requested that no signs defaming Coach Kennedy or his family be allowed. The MSU athletic department will support the SEC's request.
... Let Saturday show that class. No one is saying not to bring signs or get crazy. That is what the HUMP is all about, but leave the Kennedy's out of it.

The arrests and lawsuits are public record, you couldn't possibly MAKE anything up that could be worse. What a bunch of sniveling wimps. Classiest losers in the league.

R.I.P. Super Bowl Ads

(1984-2009. Survivors include viral online ads, appeal of Mad Men.) It appears that the once fertile ground of creative, expensive, entertaining Super Bowl ads is a thing of the past. I remember back in High School, Channel 1 previewed the ads for us lucky kids. Turns out it was just Pepsi trying way too hard to convince us they were cool (some things never change). You wouldn't think Americans would need snappy reminders to buy as much watery domestic pilsner as they can stomach, but ad history says otherwise. You know things are bad when the star of the evening is a spot for a scammy gold-exchange service whose normal ads pollute my DirecTV with a production value somewhere between "standard infomercial" and "public access". I also enjoyed the slapped Koala, and I'm not entirely sure why, even though all that ad did was start up a conversation on how horrible job search sites are for actually finding jobs. Hopefully this will mean no more instances of being shushed during the commercials (yes, this actually happened at a party once. Emphasis on once).

My Haloween Adventures

So, instead of waiting around for my neighborhoods inexplicable non-existent trick-or-treaters (except for the kids from across the street), I headed down to Nashvegas for what was surely to be an epic concert featuring two indie rock (I suppose) heavyweights. Observe, and be amazed!




But what do I find once I get there, but a half-empty Ryman Auditorium and a crowd that asks "so who you here for" and looks at you like you're crazy when you answer "well, both are awesome, and I'd pay to see either band, really, but I've seen Drive-By Truckers play when I was in college, so I guess The Hold Steady." Fortunately, the sparse crowd didn't seem to affect either band from kicking ass. And The Hold Steady was in the holiday spirit.

(thank you Flickr and people with better seats than me, I'll never bother taking a camera to a concert ever again!)
So basically, I'm left thinking: what the hell, "Music City"?

My day just got a hell of a lot more interesting.

This morning, a jammed printer was the worst part of my day. No more.
Shots Reportedly Fired on WKU's Campus
this sounds way scarier:
Report: armed men on WKU campus
Basically I'm locked in my building, waiting for the all-clear. But there are still people walking around outside and cars driving down the street like any other day. Which is weird considering now every school in town is locked down, too.
3 pm. update. It's all over.
Hello, CNN! Shots Reportedly Fired On WKU Campus.
Man injured in fight after report of shots fired.
Well, back to work.

GFP! FTW!

Chemistry Nobel Prize Awarded for Glowing Protein Work
here's another cool rundown on some things you can do with GFP.
Of course, I just use it to make E. coli cells that glow on a petri dish for a cool visual aide in class.

R.I.P. SEC Speed

This site is sad to report the sudden and untimely passing of the beloved go-to internet phrase "SEC Speed!" (aka 'esss eee ceee speed!' or some other variant thereof). The speed died of neglect during last night's Mississippi State-Auburn football game, and out of respect to the sensitive nature of those who witnessed it and are still coping with the aftermath, the final score will not be posted here. SEC Speed will be buried at the 50 yard line at Scott Field in Starkville, next to the first bulldog mascot. As always, your continued prayers are appreciated.

(pic from The Wiz)