The Tupelo Ricin Case: No Country for The Big Simple Plan

I'll admit. I have a morbid fascination about this whole Tupelo ricin case (up front: thankfully nobody got hurt, and the whole thing is more bizarre than scary, really) for no other reason than I used to live in that neck of the woods. And have an infrequently updated blog (but that's where any similarities end!) It's a story that would be bizarre and unbelievable it hadn't occurred in what I consider to be the weirdest part of an already puzzling state. The only way this would make sense is to have the Cohen Brothers turn it into a movie. They've already dealt with bumbling criminals in most of their films, and have some cache in Mississippi from filming O Brother, Where art Thou? there. Apparently the line from "scary" to "funny" has already been passed.

Let's start with the magic carpet opening of The Big Lebowski, but with this song (and thrilling Tupelo fly-over. Downtown! The mall! The Tire plant! A furniture factory!)

 Like any Coen Brothers work, it's strength is in the cast of characters:
First, we have Paul Kevin Curtis, the Elvis-impersonating, organ-harvest whistle blowing protagonist
 The wrong guy:
Who is a simple man with a rap sheet (he's been in jail 20 times?!)

... a rap sheet and musical aspirations. A man of constant sorrow, if you will. 

Who  has stumbled into a larger conspiracy than he knows
But it quickly becomes clear that he's hardly the mastermind he's accused of being
After his house gets ransacked

But his friends (in his case: brother and lawyer) help him out-The following will make more sense if you watch that press conference.

So now the law enforcement types

(FBI Director Robert Muller)










(Lee County Sheriff Jim Johnson)









(...Marge Gunderson's equally hilariously-accented Mississippi counterpart?)

 "Stay out of Tupelo, deadbeat!"










They have to go after the real mastermind. The one who set this all up.

Clearly, an unstoppable, cold-blooded madman.

   

Just kidding. Would you settle for a failed insurance salesman turned failed political player

Who also owns a karate studio, and is (oh my) an alleged sex offender

Who has dabbled in what sounds like horrible electronic-based music

Someone who really screwed up their whole plan

Because it was dependent on idiots

(Yes, he's the mastermind and henchmen. No, it doesn't make perfect sense.)







To punish (mainly) some local politicians because he held a grudge against their son (also pictured!).

(apologies to Judge Holland for the unflattering character, but Pappy is the only character that works here)



I'm speaking, of course, about James Everett Dutschke.
Wait, his middle name is Everett? And that's what he goes by? REALLY? This isn't even fun anymore.

(fun fact, much like Ulysses Everett McGill, Dutschke will spend time in Parchman, too!)



Plus, the Coen Brothers re-telling of this sordid affair would give us a re-make of this scene


but with "Suspicious Minds" as the music, and a Karate/Elvis/Wayne Newton/Karate Elvis theme! Maybe even a shot elephant cameo.
It works on so many levels.
This thing has practically written itself. I'm already writing my acceptance speech, and waiting for a call from Joel and/or Ethan.
So, forget about giving money to Zach Braff's Kickstarter fund for Garden State II: Two Many Feelings! and pony up for this can't miss hit.