or, ways to avoid pondering the monumental collapse of your baseball team.
First off, there's the house that cops found stuffed with 70,000 Coors Light cans. Since it was in Utah, there's a good chance it was all 3.2 beer. But still, damn.
Also beer related, Anheuser-Busch is buying out Rolling Rock. No word on if it will still taste like stale cramed corn.
Then, there's this story about artificially-sweetened booze getting you takned faster. This is the sort of research they can do in Australia.
In other down-under news, I am officially putting the term "hopped-up like a coked-out Wallaby" into my supply of incomprehensible analogies.
And speaking of the Peruvian marching dust, a FSU signee (shocking!) got cought with a stash of blow...in the crack of his ass.
Budapest monkeys drink red wine to increase their red blood cells, unlike myself who drinks it to enjoy the aromas of herbs, cherry, and smoke. Oh, and to make me charming and hilarious.
And finally, a college student spent $2500 on his roomates' debit card for phone sex. The school...Pillsbury Bible College. HEEHEE!!!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
Weekend nothingness
So, while trying to ignore any real news stories out there (because, let's face it, they're depressing) and attempting to avoid "other" "news" no matter how futile such an escape from crap may be. Here's some random stuff for the few people who ever visit here. Basically I'm typing myself a list of a bunch of links I've already seen. Or, you could just keep yourself up at night pondering lawmakers' priorities.
First, enjoy the story of the Corporate thinktank (I guess) which put out a video portraying the positive aspects of carbon dioxide that the hippie-fied bedwetting leftist elite media DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW!!! They didn't even mention what it does for the carbonation industry. In the interest of disclosure, the institute in question may or may not be sponsored by some businesses that might employ people that I can neither confirm nor deny are my friends. There's analysis here, here, and here and as always comments that exemplify the high standards of discourse that we have come to expect from the internet.
Or, you could just read up on your run of the mill "Going for it on fourth down as economic theorem" paper (I guess that's what it was about). Or, delve into how emotions can affect how we remember events (finally, it's paying off to be pessimistic). And finally, be sure to hoard provisions for the upcoming apocalypse. Not from the bird flu (especially now that you can make your own Tamiflu), but from the L.A. Clippers sudden rise to prominance.
First, enjoy the story of the Corporate thinktank (I guess) which put out a video portraying the positive aspects of carbon dioxide that the hippie-fied bedwetting leftist elite media DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW!!! They didn't even mention what it does for the carbonation industry. In the interest of disclosure, the institute in question may or may not be sponsored by some businesses that might employ people that I can neither confirm nor deny are my friends. There's analysis here, here, and here and as always comments that exemplify the high standards of discourse that we have come to expect from the internet.
Or, you could just read up on your run of the mill "Going for it on fourth down as economic theorem" paper (I guess that's what it was about). Or, delve into how emotions can affect how we remember events (finally, it's paying off to be pessimistic). And finally, be sure to hoard provisions for the upcoming apocalypse. Not from the bird flu (especially now that you can make your own Tamiflu), but from the L.A. Clippers sudden rise to prominance.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Random time-killers
Because it beats the hell out of real news.
First, some YouTube gems. There's the Arkansas catcher who is apparently a drama major. The post-strike out hissy fit is a nice touch. "I was merely... acTING!!!"
Then, there's this Pepsi commercial promoting (I guess) the Wolrd Cup. This is the music they play in the dentists' office in Hell. Like one of my friends said during the Super Bowl "sometimes they just try way too hard." Case in point.
The look on Ronaldino's face says "where's my check, already"
And if that isn't enough, it's haze-a-palooza at BadJocks. With a special hate mail page! What I never understood from back when I was fraternity president, when people get nailed doing this sort of thing, their main complaint is never that they were stupid enough to take pictures of the event, or put them online, it's that someone with an axe to grind is out to get them. Anyway, the pics have an expiration date on them, so look quick.
Finally, if the snails are tearing up your garden, do what this enterprising fella did and deal with them in the tastiest way possible.
First, some YouTube gems. There's the Arkansas catcher who is apparently a drama major. The post-strike out hissy fit is a nice touch. "I was merely... acTING!!!"
Then, there's this Pepsi commercial promoting (I guess) the Wolrd Cup. This is the music they play in the dentists' office in Hell. Like one of my friends said during the Super Bowl "sometimes they just try way too hard." Case in point.
The look on Ronaldino's face says "where's my check, already"
And if that isn't enough, it's haze-a-palooza at BadJocks. With a special hate mail page! What I never understood from back when I was fraternity president, when people get nailed doing this sort of thing, their main complaint is never that they were stupid enough to take pictures of the event, or put them online, it's that someone with an axe to grind is out to get them. Anyway, the pics have an expiration date on them, so look quick.
Finally, if the snails are tearing up your garden, do what this enterprising fella did and deal with them in the tastiest way possible.
Friday, May 05, 2006
The Juice is back.
World Chumps: A Derby Sure to Be a Cut Above the Rest Hey, apparently, OJ will be in attendance again this year.
And another story about it to read while looking at last year's pic of the Juice's back.
And another story about it to read while looking at last year's pic of the Juice's back.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Derby 131: A look back
Since it's that time of the year again, a springtime treat for the nearly tens of people each week that stumble here: a look back to my trip to last year's Kentucky Derby. So pour yourself a julep, make a batch of hot browns (do NOT look at the nutritional info), and read the following by Faulkner and Thompson and check out this excellent writeup about why you should go to get yourself in the mood. Take in the view of the famous spires.
And gaze at the throng of humanity gathered before you.
Contrary to the high-falootin' society-type folk who have "real seats", here you don't need a fancy haircut or hat
But (ladies) you might want to hit the gym. Just in case this guy is around.
On my way to find some food, I encountered this classy scene. It's been cleaned up a little just in case. Giggidy. Yes, girls do stuff for beads here, too. As a reveler at my share of Mardi Gras, I know that the longer the group idles around waiting for the action, the more likely someone is to get rolled.
Yes, the guy who was the brains behind the scene before you in the orange is getting pickpocketed.
Speaking of beads and photos of questionable work appropriateness, the dude in this picture and his buddies were trying for a while to get girls to "earn" their beads with no success. At all. Finally there was a taker. Since she claimed to be a kindergarden teacher, her identity is concealed. Among other things.
The look on the guys face sums it up.
Remember, you're here for a horse race. Actually, there are ten that day.
Speaking of racing; remember, when it comes to drinking, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Crash and burn too early, and your friends will be forced to shame you. When they found a Sharpie and a bag of ice, things got really ugly. Hilariously ugly.
Yes, that is a discarded bra in the lower left corner of that pic. No, you can't see the pics of why it ended up there.
Now, for the big race, the actual KY Derby, when the shadows start to get long, people know it's starting to get serious. Decent spots to see the track are at a premium. When a real seat or someone's shoulders are just not an option, look for the port-a-jons. They can hold an amazing amount of people up top.
Again, the amazing assortment of adult beverages here can overwhelm the newbies. Go too far and you might have a faux paus right before the main event. If such an event happens, at least make sure you have a friend around to videotape your technicolor yawn. Or some random jackass could photograph it and put it on his blog.
Because, after all, you're here for a horse race.
A mainstay of the Kentucky Derby is celebrities. Last year was no different. While waliking back to the bus to the fairgrounds, I ran into none other than O.J. Simpson. This is the back of his head.
Trust me, when you're packed into a crowd like that, and you see a celeb coming towards you, by the time you think, "holy crap, it's The Juice...I should take a picture...my camera is in its' case...in my pocket..." all you'll end up with is the back of his head, too.
And remember, if you don't lug the keg back (even if it is an uphil trek), you don't get your deposit back.
Anyways, that was my day at the Kentucky Derby. If you're going, it's $40 and they frisk you for booze when you go in. I hope you've had as much fun as I did. If you didn't, why not?
And gaze at the throng of humanity gathered before you.
Contrary to the high-falootin' society-type folk who have "real seats", here you don't need a fancy haircut or hat
But (ladies) you might want to hit the gym. Just in case this guy is around.
On my way to find some food, I encountered this classy scene. It's been cleaned up a little just in case. Giggidy. Yes, girls do stuff for beads here, too. As a reveler at my share of Mardi Gras, I know that the longer the group idles around waiting for the action, the more likely someone is to get rolled.
Yes, the guy who was the brains behind the scene before you in the orange is getting pickpocketed.
Speaking of beads and photos of questionable work appropriateness, the dude in this picture and his buddies were trying for a while to get girls to "earn" their beads with no success. At all. Finally there was a taker. Since she claimed to be a kindergarden teacher, her identity is concealed. Among other things.
The look on the guys face sums it up.
Remember, you're here for a horse race. Actually, there are ten that day.
Speaking of racing; remember, when it comes to drinking, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Crash and burn too early, and your friends will be forced to shame you. When they found a Sharpie and a bag of ice, things got really ugly. Hilariously ugly.
Yes, that is a discarded bra in the lower left corner of that pic. No, you can't see the pics of why it ended up there.
Now, for the big race, the actual KY Derby, when the shadows start to get long, people know it's starting to get serious. Decent spots to see the track are at a premium. When a real seat or someone's shoulders are just not an option, look for the port-a-jons. They can hold an amazing amount of people up top.
Again, the amazing assortment of adult beverages here can overwhelm the newbies. Go too far and you might have a faux paus right before the main event. If such an event happens, at least make sure you have a friend around to videotape your technicolor yawn. Or some random jackass could photograph it and put it on his blog.
Because, after all, you're here for a horse race.
A mainstay of the Kentucky Derby is celebrities. Last year was no different. While waliking back to the bus to the fairgrounds, I ran into none other than O.J. Simpson. This is the back of his head.
Trust me, when you're packed into a crowd like that, and you see a celeb coming towards you, by the time you think, "holy crap, it's The Juice...I should take a picture...my camera is in its' case...in my pocket..." all you'll end up with is the back of his head, too.
And remember, if you don't lug the keg back (even if it is an uphil trek), you don't get your deposit back.
Anyways, that was my day at the Kentucky Derby. If you're going, it's $40 and they frisk you for booze when you go in. I hope you've had as much fun as I did. If you didn't, why not?
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