Gentlemen (and presumably, Ladies) this charade has gone on long enough. This has gone through several stages of comedy already, with no discernable end in sight. Allow me to take this opportunity to officially throw my name into consideration for the head coaching job at the University of Alabama. You might think, what in the world could some young punk scientist possibly have to offer? Well, let me make my case. The last two MSU coaches have been Bama grads, so it’s only fair to trade. Who are we kidding here? This is a temporary position, so you might as well do it on the cheap this time. As far as football experience, I played for two years in high school before an unforeseen “backiotomy” forced my retirement. Both of those years my teams made the playoffs, so I’m a perfect 1.000 as far as that’s concerned. Being a former lineman, I have the utmost respect and appreciation for the big hogmollies up front, which was apparently a weakness this season. Being a Broncos fan, I also know that sometimes you just gotta go for the knees in the trenches (and hold, but Bama's always been good at that). Also, I graduated from the same high school as one Mr. Ray Perkins, so I have an “in” (I’m not 100% sure if that’s actually a positive). I also know Portera (okay I’ve met him once, but we used to work in the same place). Just to go for the hat trick here, an aunt used to work for the UA Athletic Department. For football knowledge, I’ve read Friday Night Lights, The Courting of Marcus Dupree (but oddly enough not Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer) and am currently working through The Blind Side. Also, my inspirational speeches will be mixtures of passages from The Art of War, speeches from Patton and snippets of Vince Lombardi and John Wooden (who are we kidding, folks, they all are). I am also decent on NCAA football for the Xbox, and can really tear it up on Super Tecmo Bowl. I also have the NFL Sunday Ticket, so my house is at times a virtual Algonquin round table of people discussing football (except for the Bengals fans, they're total homers). Anyways, I’m not afraid to run the wishbone option, either (take notice old folks). But wouldn’t be adverse to running the spread (young fans of scoring take note). I’m not a stats junkie with a fantasy team, but I’ll bring in one of my friends who actually crunches numbers in Excel and keeps a binder for his fantasy stuff for help. For coordinators, I would bring in Bobby Humphrey for OC and Jeremiah Castille for DC. These points are non-negotiable. As far as pay is concerned, I will do the job for $75,000 a year, renewable annually. We go under .500 in year one, I'm gone. No buyout or anything. The remaining 4,925,000 that I know you people have to offer will be divided amongst the following: The university’s research budget, and over-hyped linemen from Memphis. If I’m the coach, all cheap shots like the previous comment will naturally be things of the past. I also promise not to actively search for the freezer where Mark Gottrfied keeps the souls of orphans I'm pretty sure he uses for sustenance. Also, I’ve seriously loathed Tommy Tubberville for a decade now, so I’m way ahead of the curve here.
Yeah, he'll be even more pissed after I'm done. No more coming out flat for the Iron Bowl. And don’t even get me started on what this guy will be in for. Plus, my summers spent working in a Biloxi hotel have honed my skill in ducking things thrown by drunken LSU fans to an art. Mike Leach, for all his positive attributes, can't make that claim. I've even had Bama fans shout obscenities at me, one time in my own yard, so I'm over the initial shock when it happens again. I've even waded into the occasional message board, so I am well aware how nutso those folks can get (as opposed to those smarmy, self-absorbed bloggers). As for living accommodations, I will crash on a couch at my fraternity’s house in Tuscaloosa until the special features on my house are complete, namely a faucet on the sink that dispenses only Dreamland sauce. Also, having some brothers around will make people think twice about chunking bricks through the windows following a tough loss. After careful consideration and legal counsel, I think the request for a stripper pole in the den, plus a key to each sorority house might be pushing my luck, so forget they were ever mentioned. My other demand is one free meal per week from Highlands Bar & Grill. My current job required hours of instructions on how to use the company credit card and not get canned, i.e. I know the difference between room service and room “service”, which is a big plus. Also, I have pre-selected my secretarial staff, so there’s one less thing to worry about.
(pic shamelessly cribbed from Hey Jenny Slater)
As for some possible negatives (other than the aforementioned complete lack of qualifications), I can promise that I will be tempted to really go “old school” and throw in the occasional rugby play (just against the cupcakes), other than just a lame short punt, I’m talking a five-wide wing play. Also, I’ve partied with Fred Smoot (just once at Ricks, that's it). Just clearing that up. I'm pretty sure that some pictures of me puking onto McFarland Blvd. could surface as well. Also, when we play my alma mater, I’ll be tempted to mail it in for that game, but there’s little proof that didn’t happen this season anyway. I fully realize that this is a temporary position, a post-doc if you will, so I fully realize that my ass will be shown the door after three seasons at best. I eagerly await your decision. You can waste your time on someone who's just using this opportunity to get a raise out of their current employer, waste a ton of money on a guy who will get canned within five years, or you could just totally give up and hire me. The choice is yours.
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